


couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted

by zenins



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love, a bit angsty, hijikata yearns, or thats what hijikata thinks, set during shoass-fs arc, tho there are hints of other gintoki ships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26542936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zenins/pseuds/zenins
Summary: He might never know about some aspects of Gintoki's life, but he tries to make himself believe that it’s alright. He can love the hidden parts of Gintoki too, as much as the ones Gintoki lets him see.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted

Sitting next to Gintoki in their favorite bar has never felt weirder. Sure thing he’s felt nervous when he’s randomly found Gintoki eating or drinking here before, but it feels different now. Mostly because this might be the last time they see each other for years, to say at least. Hijikata tries not to dwell on the feeling, but it’s hard to believe that everything he’s ever had for the past decade is crushing into pieces in front of him. 

Since the entire conflict ended, he’s not been able to think about Gintoki telling him about how he had failed to protect the things he loved in the past. He feels like he owes Gintoki even more now. He’s saved Kondou and the Shinsengumi, even if it’s now disbanded. And partly it’s all thanks to Gintoki. He also feels some sort of guilt, both because what they’ve failed to defend but also because he knows he can’t help Gintoki the way Gintoki does for him. Gintoki who rarely reveals things or memories about his past had trusted him with such an admission, and Hijikata doesn’t know how to bring it up again. He knows he’s being greedy, he’s already learnt more about Gintoki than he ever thought he would, but he wants to find out more about his old family or what he failed to protect. 

Months before everything went to hell, he had checked for information or reports that could have anything related to the silver haired man, but almost nothing had come across. Stories about the _shiroyasha_ were not unknown to him, but some of them were certainly hard to believe. He had seen Gintoki fight multiple times, but he can’t picture the lazy and childish man being as ruthless and cruel as the stories paint him to be. 

He also tried to find information related to Katsura Kotarou, since he guessed him and Gintoki had some sort of story in the past. Reports, accounts and testimonies about the leader of the Joui were easy to find, but tracking down what he and Gintoki might have been up to before or during the war was harder. He decided he’d never try to find information again, since it was much of a lost cause. 

However, after seeing Gintoki all beaten up because of his fight with Takasugi Shinsuke, his curiosity was woken up again. Takasugi Shinsuke. He obviously knew the man, having faced him already and being a known terrorist. But he could not picture which connection he supposedly had with Gintoki. 

After Gintoki had been bandaged, he passed out, and Hijikata had been left alone with the kids. Kagura had told Shinpachi about the brief scenes she had caught of their fight, or how Takasugi had talked to Gintoki as Kamui carried him. Hijikata tried not to think much about it, but it was hard to not think about what kind of fight those two must have had to leave Gintoki more bruised and hurt than he’s ever looked. He decided the only thing he could do in that moment was to take care of the two kids, and so he did. He made sure Kagura ate plenty of food as she wished to calm her uneasiness and that Shinpachi rested while Gintoki was deep asleep in his room for hours. 

When the night was falling upon Edo, an unexpected visitor came. Out of reflex, Hijikata drew his sword as soon as he saw Katsura step into the living room by the window. Before he could say anything, Kagura spoke up and ran to hug Katsura. 

“Zuraaaaa” she yelled while she wrapped her small arms around the terrorist’s waist. “Did you come to visit Gin-chan? He’s very bad, I think”

Bringing a hand to ruffle the kid’s hair, Katsura said “Don’t worry Leader, he’s had worse than this in the past. He’ll heal up in no time like he always does”

_Worse than this? How?_ Hijikata asks himself. Katsura probably noticed his quiet and tense state, so he began to explain himself. 

“I came here as a friend, and not as your enemy,certainly. I came to see Gintoki, if that’s okay. I’ve got no weapons on me, and I don’t plan on doing anything, to you or anyone around. I’m just _Zura_ tonight” 

Seeing how Kagura had instantly relaxed when she saw the man, or how he actually did seem like he was not planning anything, Hijikata chose to believe him. After all, he had no say on the matter. He was barely in Gintoki’s family circle, so why would his opinion matter? He might have fought by Gintoki’s side or drank with him quite a few times during the past years, but he believed he didn’t mean to the other man as much as Gintoki meant to him. He’d never admit it, but he hopes that this is just a lie he’s been telling to himself. He doesn’t see himself able to do something other than long for the man in the quiet and distance, even if it pains him sometimes. 

After he let Katsura in and stay with Gintoki, he fell asleep on the couch. When he woke up, his neck ached and he heard two quiet and soft-spoken voices in the next room. It took him seconds to recognize Gintoki’s tired voice. He’d tell his voice apart no matter the distance or the volume. After all, he’s been in love with that voice for long now. 

He decides he has nothing else to do in the Yorozuya house, and leaves to the barracks. With a heavy chest and a tired body,he finds Kondou gone. And the rest is history. 

Now sitting by Gintoki’s side eating his favorite meal, he’s reminded of that night, and how comfortable Gintoki seemed with the joui rebel. He wonders if Katsura was related to what Gintoki supposedly lost, or if it was something or someone else. 

He comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t have much to lose, since he’s leaving Edo in a few hours, so he asks Gintoki. 

“Katsura...That man sure knows how to make a good plan,doesn’t he? Was he always like that?”

If Gintoki is surprised by the question, he doesn’t show it much. Instead he replies almost instantly, like a reflex.

“Well, during the war he was one of the best strategists, if not the best. You should be able to tell that, you dumb cop. Haven’t you been trying to have him jailed for years?”

Hijikata scoffs. “It doesn’t matter anymore” Gintoki pauses eating and makes a little sound of agreement. Still not satisfied, Hijikata presses one more time. “And what about you, what did you do?”

“You already know. _Shiroyasha_ and all of that” He shakes his head. “Why are you bringing this up? Am I being interrogated? You are no longer a cop, you know?” 

Hijikata shakes his head back and looks down to his almost empty plate. After a little pause, Gintoki speaks again. 

“If it’s because Zura came to visit me before all of...you know, everything that happened, it’s nothing. He’s just like that. You don’t need to worry. I’m not a joui” 

“I know that..but you were one, right?” 

“Damn it, why are you so keen on the war today?” Gintoki complains. “What I was doing in the war...it had nothing to do with patriotism. You’d be surprised to know about how many people fought for everything but patriotism back then. Even Takasugi himself didn’t” 

“Takasugi? You fought along the man that tried to kill you like a week ago?”  
  


“I did more than fight with him.” Though he’s smirking, his eyes look sad ,Hijikata notes. He wishes he could know what Gintoki and the known Kiheitai leader had in the past. But it seems like that part of Gintoki will always be hidden from him. Before he can ask about what he meant, Gintoki quickly starts talking again.

“Jokes aside, if you want to ask about events of the war, you can do it, you know?” 

“No..it’s not that.” Seeing Gintoki raise his eyebrow, visibly confused and entertained by Hijikata trying to order his thoughts, he keeps going. “It’s just that...you know so much of me, yet I barely know anything about who you were in the past, or what you did”

“Does it matter, though?” Gintoki asks back. “The only thing that matters is who I am _now_ ”

“If you say so” 

“C’mon Oogushi-kun, don’t get mad at me” Gintoki says with his most annoying voice and trying to make puppy eyes. 

Hijikata decides it’s alright. He doesn’t know what Gintoki lost in the past, or about the unspoken and devoted bond Gintoki and Katsura have, Or why Gintoki looks sadder than he’s ever looked when Takasugi is mentioned. He might never know about some aspects of Gintoki's life, but he tries to make himself believe that it’s alright. He can love the hidden parts of Gintoki too, as much as the ones Gintoki lets him see.

**Author's Note:**

> the original idea was to write takagin with unrequited hijikata as the pov, but i ended up writing this in like 1-2 hours and liked it, so here it is. i still want to write takasugi (or takagin in general) through hijikata's eyes but it's hard to find an idea with the canon material. either ways, this was really fun to write. i also have a ginzura draft saved so i might post it one of these days <3
> 
> also the tittle comes from the song shrike by hozier which i love and i think that fits ginhiji ad takagin both.
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreaciated!! you can also find me on my twitter bansaisugi !!!


End file.
